For awhile now I've considered dedicating a post to Simple Marriage, a favorite blog I read. So much of what Corey Allan and Mary Ann Crossno write resonates with the importance of Taking Care Of Yourself. Focusing on TCOY within the realm of marriage, or any significant other relationship, and growing yourself will go far in making that relationship a quality relationship.
Here are a sampling of thoughts from some of my favorite posts at Simple Marriage:
(inc. guest posts by Corey as a contributor to another blog)
How To Say I’m Sorry: The 5 Steps To A Genuine Apology
by Mary Ann Crossno
The words “I’m sorry, I apologize, and Forgive me” are so easily said that they’ve lost their meaning. Ever get an apology that left you wondering whether or not the person apologizing had a clue about what hurt your feelings? Or maybe you were shaking your head, thinking, “I see your lips moving, but I don’t believe what you’re saying.”
In the real deal, both the offended and the offender walk away feeling
* heard and validated,
* accountable and responsible,
* competent and confident.
You do not need to plead for your partner to restore your sense of self by either asking (begging) for forgiveness or to accept your apology. You are forgiving yourself by holding yourself accountable to your partner while taking full responsibility for your actions, and committing to act differently.
The real deal respects and enhances the integrity of you and your partner. A genuine apology is heavy lifting in going deep into taking your shape - and becoming the best partner you can be, regardless of what your partner does or does not do.
What’s Wrong And How Do We Fix It?
by Corey Allan
First, choose to stick it out.
Second, what you focus on - grows. This philosophy is true. If you focus solely on what's wrong, everything will appear wrong.
Instead, focus on yourself and your contributions to the marriage. Ask this: would you want to be married to you?
How To Fight In Marriage: Start Well - End Well
by Mary Ann Crossno
This is true whether you are in a master marriage or a disaster marriage - happy and unhappy couples fight about the same things. Fighting is not the cause of unhappy marriages - it’s how couples fight that makes the difference.
I have a part in every issue. Sometimes I know what it is. Sometimes I’m blind to what it is. Sometimes neither one of us knows what it is. But I have a part - so naming it and claiming it is the best place for me to start.
Recalling the good he does when I bring up a problem reminds both him and me that we are more than this problem.
What Do I Do When My Spouse And I Aren’t On The Same Page?
by Corey Allan
It’s interesting that we will treat common strangers with more respect than those in our home. One of the key factors to a successful marriage is respect. Respect for those around you, and respect for yourself.
This involves an awareness and understanding of your beliefs, wants, needs and desires. Marriage is a great place to clarify these things in your life.
Author Rob Bell refers to marriage as “thousands of little conversations about how two people are going to do life together.”
One thing to keep in mind, is that if you’re over-functioning for someone, by definition you are under-functioning for yourself.
Linked within the above post was my absolute favorite post by Corey Allan of Simple Marriage. I dare say that I can pinpoint how I felt after reading it as the catalyst for finally taking the creation of TCOYou.com from a thought to a reality. (Thank you Corey)
Putting First Things First - Where Are You On The List?
by Corey Allan
When it comes to your life, who is the most important person in the world to you?
The answer - YOU. You are the most important person in the world to you.
The simple truth is that nobody can take care of you better than you. Plus, if you don’t love yourself, how can you possibly offer love to anyone else? I assume you’ve heard the safety procedure on an airplane about putting on your own oxygen mask before trying to help others. This advice applies to marriage as well as parenting.
(Look familiar?)
After reading the above posts, I'd be willing to bet you also saw how Simple Marriage and Taking Care Of You (TCOY) work toward the same end result.
Putting yourself in the line of priority, and right in front, is not selfish thinking but rather just thinking proactively. There is no better person to know, understand or believe in than you. Besides showing a great example to others in our sphere of influence, TCOY sets up a stable foundation for authentic happiness and life fulfillment. Knowing yourself and having your needs met by you, rather than relying on an outside source, brings a healthier you into every relationship as well.
When you post a reply to one of the inspirational posts over at Simple Marriage, let Corey and Mary Ann know that Suzanne over at TCOYou.com says "hello".
Until next time...Take Care Of You!
Photo Credit: Heart Spotlight
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Concerning loving yourself: I have never known anyone who didn't already love themselves more than anyone else. With a little analysis, it becomes clear that this is ultimately the source of every conflict at every level. And, unfortunately, it is rooted in the human condition.
It is essentially the same issue as self-esteem. The real problem is not that people have low self-esteem, but ironically the issue is that we inherently esteem themselves higher than we feel others esteem us - and we resent it. Then we blame our feelings on low self-esteem and related terminology that we have learned from others with the same problem.
When people say they feel worthless, it is because they believe others think they are worthless and are treating them as such. And it could be that they might genuinely have been treated that way - as in the case of any sort of abuse. But the problem is not that they actually feel worthless. The problem is that they have not dealt appropriately with the feelings of resentment and bitterness toward those who have treated them that way. In most cases it comes down to having a forgiving heart. And it doesn't matter whether someone deserves to be forgiven, because forgiveness can't be deserved by any of us --- it is purely an act of kindness and grace on the part of the offended party.
Because of pop-psychology, many have been conditioned / taught to believe that self-esteem is the issue. But as with most things, one can sort out the logic of something by considering the extreme which makes things more obvious. Just consider what it is like to be around someone who has a very high opinion of themselves. They are usually intolerable to the degree that their self-esteem is higher.
The solution is not to learn to love oneself more, but rather to learn to practicing loving others more. The solution is not to learn to esteem oneself more, but to truly value others above oneself. The solution is genuine humility (not to be confused with humiliation). Any other attempted solution will ultimately be self-focused, self-centered and prideful - and only serve to add to the problem.
Dave
Concerning loving yourself: I have never known anyone who didn't already love themselves more than anyone else. With a little analysis, it becomes clear that this is ultimately the source of every conflict at every level. And, unfortunately, it is rooted in the human condition.
It is essentially the same issue as self-esteem. The real problem is not that people have low self-esteem, but ironically the issue is that we inherently esteem themselves higher than we feel others esteem us - and we resent it. Then we blame our feelings on low self-esteem and related terminology that we have learned from others with the same problem.
When people say they feel worthless, it is because they believe others think they are worthless and are treating them as such. And it could be that they might genuinely have been treated that way - as in the case of any sort of abuse. But the problem is not that they actually feel worthless. The problem is that they have not dealt appropriately with the feelings of resentment and bitterness toward those who have treated them that way. In most cases it comes down to having a forgiving heart. And it doesn't matter whether someone deserves to be forgiven, because forgiveness can't be deserved by any of us --- it is purely an act of kindness and grace on the part of the offended party.
Because of pop-psychology, many have been conditioned / taught to believe that self-esteem is the issue. But as with most things, one can sort out the logic of something by considering the extreme which makes things more obvious. Just consider what it is like to be around someone who has a very high opinion of themselves. They are usually intolerable to the degree that their self-esteem is higher.
The solution is not to learn to love oneself more, but rather to learn to practicing loving others more. The solution is not to learn to esteem oneself more, but to truly value others above oneself. The solution is genuine humility (not to be confused with humiliation). Any other attempted solution will ultimately be self-focused, self-centered and prideful - and only serve to add to the problem.
Dave
In the second paragraph I meant to write "esteem ourselves" rather than "themselves." I changed the wording and forgot to change the pronoun.
In the second paragraph I meant to write "esteem ourselves" rather than "themselves." I changed the wording and forgot to change the pronoun.
Dave, thanks for leaving your thoughts here for us to think about.
Two things stuck out to me...
"Concerning loving yourself: I have never known anyone who didn't already love themselves more than anyone else."
That's in contradiction to what I know to be true, in a sense. I know of some who value their survival over others but love, in the truest sense, wasn't what they felt about his/herself more than about others. It was the love they did not feel for themselves that prompted the outward expression of better care to others.
What you may be saying as loving themselves more doesn't align with the definition of love that I understand, and that which I think the writers at SimpleMarriage are using also. It's more than just caring more about, valuing the life of more, etc. It's that complex interweaving of valuing all things to come up with the end sum of loving someone, whether it be ourselves or others.
"Just consider what it is like to be around someone who has a very high opinion of themselves. They are usually intolerable to the degree that their self-esteem is higher."
I agree that those sort of people are more intolerable, however, I don't agree that their self-esteem is in proportion to the opinion of themselves that they work hard to project. Many who act that way are actually deeply insecure. Their true self-esteem is so low that their ego has created this fallacy to hold their world together. If their self-esteem were truly that high, they would not feel the need to exhibit that behavior; the certainty in themselves would stand alone.
Recent blog:=- Follow TCOY to Inspired to Write
Dave, thanks for leaving your thoughts here for us to think about.
Two things stuck out to me...
"Concerning loving yourself: I have never known anyone who didn't already love themselves more than anyone else."
That's in contradiction to what I know to be true, in a sense. I know of some who value their survival over others but love, in the truest sense, wasn't what they felt about his/herself more than about others. It was the love they did not feel for themselves that prompted the outward expression of better care to others.
What you may be saying as loving themselves more doesn't align with the definition of love that I understand, and that which I think the writers at SimpleMarriage are using also. It's more than just caring more about, valuing the life of more, etc. It's that complex interweaving of valuing all things to come up with the end sum of loving someone, whether it be ourselves or others.
"Just consider what it is like to be around someone who has a very high opinion of themselves. They are usually intolerable to the degree that their self-esteem is higher."
I agree that those sort of people are more intolerable, however, I don't agree that their self-esteem is in proportion to the opinion of themselves that they work hard to project. Many who act that way are actually deeply insecure. Their true self-esteem is so low that their ego has created this fallacy to hold their world together. If their self-esteem were truly that high, they would not feel the need to exhibit that behavior; the certainty in themselves would stand alone.
Recent blog:=- Follow TCOY to Inspired to Write
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